Grading Nintendo Switch’s NES Games (Chapter 2 -The Weird Ones)

You could say these games were stranger things.

The story so far:

Chapter 1 – The Launch Titles

 

Oh no, I’m at it again. Back in May I decided I’d begin taking a look at the Nintendo Switch’s NES lineup of games. As a recap, these games are offered as a “bonus” to Nintendo Switch Online subscribers. From the previous entry in this series, I described this bonus as an obligation and ended it asking who this was for. But who knows? Maybe as time has gone on the collection has gotten better…or maybe it got worse. There’s only one way to find out! Time to have a look at fifteen more games from the NES library and see if they can hold my attention for longer than a few minutes.

It should be noted that since the last entry, Nintendo did implement a rewind feature into the NES library. Basically, you press the trigger buttons to open up a timeline you can travel through to get to a point before your current one. I imagine most people just use it to avoid game overs. It’s a helpful feature, but feels more like a band-aid fix to the issue most of these games have. As a result, don’t expect this new feature to really improve my thoughts on any of these games. Like before, we’ll be keeping most of these reviews short and sweet since the games themselves are generally pretty basic.

DODGEBALL

Oh boy, another sports game. And uh…I can’t see what I’m doing. Between all the colors and distracting background, coupled with all the characters constantly flashing in and out of existence, it’s a strain on the eyes. The game doesn’t even make sense. I’ve never
heard of a game if dodgeball where you can get hit multiple times before you’re out – oh sorry, before you’re dead because when knocked out you turn into an angel and ascend to heaven. Catching the ball does not negatively affect the person who threw the ball either. So in a nutshell, this game can’t even do its namesake right and it hurts the eyes.

THUMBS DOWN

SOLOMON’S KEY

Solomon’s Key has you placing and removing blocks to reach a key and then a door. It’s a puzzle game with a bit of a adventure platforming element to it. It’s fine on its own, but what I find bogus is the fact that you have to start completely over if you lose all your lives. Re‐solving the same puzzles over and over gets old quick. You can get around that with save states and the new rewind future, but that’s no thanks to the game itself. Puzzle games on NES are such a product of their time that they’re hard to recommend. I’d just rather play newer puzzle games. I won’t necessarily give a thumbs down, but I don’t like it enough to give a thumbs up.

NEUTRAL

NES Open Tournament Golf

You know, I failed to mention that as far as I can see there’s no way to pull up a manual for the game you’re playing. Sure there’s the internet but I feel like I shouldn’t have to do that. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong but I can’t hit the ball. And I ain’t got time for this.

THUMBS DOWN

TWINBEE

A top down arcade shooter. Fairly standard, though I don’t know why I’m being attacked by cutlery and turnips. On the whole, it’s a decently fun way to kill time. Not much more to say about it.

THUMBS UP

I call this the “what” game because everything about it makes me say “what?” What am I collecting bombs for? Why do some pickups look like enemies? Why can enemies shape shift? Why anything? It’s a bizarre game. Mechanically, it’s fairly good. I find it annoying how you can’t control your jump height though. Sounds minor but the character can jump close to the top of the screen from the lowest areas. And the number of enemies that will appear means it can be tricky landing, and not a “fun” sort of tricky. But otherwise, the game’s not bad. It just makes me question reality.

THUMBS UP

METROID

Look, I love the Metroid series and metroidvanias in general. They’re among my favorite series of games, and Metroid is quite possibly Nintendo’s second best franchise. But I hate this game. It’s the phrase “product of its time” made into a game. Exploring is  frustrating, Samus is apparently made of wet paper which contributes to the frustrating exploration, and the game’s map is made up of long corridors and copy pasted rooms which, once again, contributes to the frustrating exploration. Metroidvanias live or die off good map and world design, something this game doesn’t have. The only reason to play this game is for historical curiosity. Otherwise, just find yourself a Gameboy Advance and get a copy of Metroid: Zero Mission, this game’s remake, and just play that. You’ll have a far better time.

THUMBS DOWN

WARIO’S WOODS

If I understand this correctly, this was the last major game for the NES. Eh… not exactly a great way to end. It’s a match the colors, falling block (or on this case, creatures and bombs) puzzle game but this time with awkward controls. There’s plenty of other games like this in the library that are better. Or, instead, you can find more interesting puzzle games beyond the NES.

THUMBS DOWN

NINJA GAIDEN

Oh my gosh, I love it! I see why this one is so well remembered. It’s great! Kind of reminds me of a game I once made, except instead of swords there’s firearms. The biggest thing dragging it down is that good ol’ NES difficulty, but the game does something so few NES games have been able to do for me – it’s so fun that I don’t really care about dying over and over. Truly, a miracle. I’ll almost certainly be coming back to this action platformer.

THUMBS UP

ADVENTURES OF LOLO

Another hecking puzzle game, but this time of the top down variety. You have to collect these square heart things to open a chest that opens a door to the next room. I got completely stuck by the third level, and nothing in the first two was really grabbing me. It felt kinda tedious and the music was getting more annoying by the minute.

THUMBS DOWN

 

ZELDA II: THE ADVENTURE OF LINK

I’ve heard about this black sheep, and how completely different it is from most Zelda titles, especially at the time. And you know, Link’s Awakening has long been my least favorite in the Zelda series. A series, in fact, that I already have great difficulty liking. But at least it was playable. This is absolutely sloppy. They tried to mix it up by doing more of an action platforming thing and it doesn’t work. Link feels slippery, like he’s strapped ice cubes to his feet that refuse to melt completely. All the enemies are annoying, with too many of them basically invincible due to their shields. Can’t easily jump over them either because Link’s jumping sucks. There are caves to navigate, but you can’t see enemies in them because the caves are dark. Yet I found no way to light up said caves, and you’re required to navigate them to get very far. I’m sure someone will tell me some “obvious” thing I missed that would make all these things easier but I do not care. The only worthwhile thing I got from this was learning where Temple stage in Smash Bros gets its music.

THUMBS DOWN

BLASTER MASTER

We open with a frog getting into radioactive waste and us finding a tank. What a ride already. Blaster Master puts you in said tank, blasting your way through enemies. With the select button you can hop out of the tank and walk on foot, allowing you to enter small dungeons. On one hand, I do generally enjoy the run and gun action and the platforming is alright, even if the tank is slippery. It’s anytime I’m out of the tank where the game begins to falter. These moments aren’t terribly long, but they’re painful enough to notice. This is another one where I can’t really recommend it, but I also can’t say it’s bad. Try it if you’re interested.

NEUTRAL

SUPER MARIO BROS. 2

The weird Mario game. Something about the games with “2” in the title on NES that make them automatically strange. For those who don’t know, this is a Mario themed version of a game called Doki Doki Panic. Platforming is still present, but now you can also enter various rooms as well as pick up objects and throw them at enemies. You control one of four characters, each with unique attributes such as Toad’s faster pickup rate, and make your way through various levels. It’s a good time all around, just know it’s not your typical Mario game.

THUMBS UP

KIRBY’S ADVENTURE

Probably the best game in the Switch’s NES library. If you’ve played a Kirby game before then you know what to expect. They’re very laid back games, a rarity amongst the NES games. It’s easy, and I’m okay with it. Kirby is a good “wind down” series. Before writing this I had recently played this through to the end and really enjoyed myself the entire time. Unfortunately, it does suffer from frequent frame drops which will inevitably throw off your actions, but beyond that I highly recommend Kirby’s Adventure.

THUMBS UP

STARTROPICS

When you have to wander around aimlessly for the first fifteen minutes (felt like an hour) getting nowhere, talking to everyone you can, only for some jerk to finally let you into a tunnel after talking to him for the fourteenth time… let’s just say you’ve done more than lose my interest.

THUMBS DOWN

KID ICARUS

It would take 20+ years for Masahiro Sakurai to come along and work his magic on this series. But back then, this and a Gameboy game were all the appearances of an angel named Pit outside of the Smash Bros. series (which didn’t even feature Pit until Brawl in 2008). His NES debut feels okay, but I have my issues. The main gameplay mechanics, platforming and shooting, are well put together but just about everything surrounding those things is not. Biggest issue is that lovely NES difficulty kicking in. I died more times than I care to count due to things that felt out of my control. There’s a currency you can pick up in a futile attempt to mitigate difficulty in the form of hearts. However, everything in this game is crazy expensive for the number of hearts you get on average. They’re like picking up pennies your whole life to save for a Ferarri. Sure, you can do that and maybe one day you’ll gather enough pennies to get that Ferrari… but you’re gonna be at it for a long time. All in all, it’s not a bad game but the NES difficulty really brings it down.

NEUTRAL

Looks like the answer to my earlier question was no, it did not get better. There were plenty of strange titles in the mix, such as Might Bomb Jack and Twinbee but that didn’t necessarily mean they were bad games. Well, most of them. Let’s not forget that Zelda II and inaccurate dodgeball is in here as well. This batch wasn’t a complete disaster as there were a couple surprises, namely Ninja Gaiden, but it’s still leaving something to be desired. At this point, I would say either Kirby’s Adventure or Super Mario Bros. 3 are the best games in the library.

But truthfully, it doesn’t currently matter what the best games are. I’m judging this on the library as a whole, and with that in mind Nintendo Switch’s NES library has certainly gotten worse before it gets better. Of course, that would be assuming that it ever gets better. But so long as they keep updating the Switch’s NES library Nintendo will always have a chance to prove this library’s worth. Or they could just release Super Nintendo games and redeem themselves instantly. Come on, Ninty! We saw that FCC Filing you made! Just. Do. It.

 

BATCH #2 Rating: D+

RECOMMENDED – 5

NOT RECOMMENDED – 7

NEUTRAL – 3

 

OVERALL LIBRARY RATING: C-

RECOMMENDED – 14

NOT RECOMMENDED – 16

NEUTRAL – 5

 

All images belong to their respective owners. I claim only my words.